Yesturday was a weird day. Im really trying to take action with regards to how i act around other people. I dont want to hide myslef but i need to decipher between a REAL problem and my anxiety. E.g. If my partner isnt texting me back, hes probably busy at work its not a big deal. BUT the anxiety m akes me worry endlessly as to why he doesnt want to speak to me...'did he notice those couple of pounds that went on this month?
Am i unnatractive?
Has he noticed my worrying?
Do i look needy?
He gives me no reason to think he is thinking any of the above and deep down i KNOW he isnt but the thoughts squease past my brick wall in my mind and eventually take over. leaving me angry at him and feeling sorry for myself.
So before this anxiety ruins EVERYTHING i made an effort to start the ball rolling for CBT therapy. consultation alone is £50. great. Hopefully this will pay off. I will try everything before i try medication.
I thought id get an early night 9pm but couldnt sleep until 11pm so failed there. tried to call my partner but he was at his friends house batterly failed. (as i just wrote that a horrible bout of paranoia just sweot over me...is he really at his friends house? battery died yeh good one! maybe he just didnt want to speak to me? this is all in my head he would never know i thought this)
At the omoment i have this overwhelming feeling to get away its weird. I want to be on my own. Go traveling on my own....but this is where i can laugh at the anxiety...i picture myself somewhere really scenic like the canadian mountains...then im like 'oh god cant go there bears hahahahahaha' - it would actually stop me going! ridiculous!
I live in the hope that i will get the old me back or at least reduce it to anxiety 30% real me 70%. at the moment its anxiety 70% real me 30%..I'm still here clawing my way back....lol.
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