Looks like a poetic title doesnt it? Its not I literally followed my own blog - That is Ridiculous but at least I feel like I'm writing to someone, and actually I am probably the most important person to speak to! Ok, so how am I feeling...Well, not great. I mean this week has been a bit tricky, I am really trying to deal with this but it seems that the deeper I swim into my recovery the more I realise that actually, I am further away than I thought from recovering. When that switch is made, It's just so powerful It's like you're switching to someone else so it's really hard to hold onto the thought that 'I'm not fat and its better to be this than bulimic' when actually it's like being a different person. You are in a complete different mindset. today I really battled with wanting to diet. It was actually watching Beyonce's concert just made me want to be slim, be that amazing figure. I FEEL fat today, I feel like i can feel my tummy and i keep feeling my fat. Not gonna help I know...But I feel the need to diet its like a competition with myself, like a challenge, and right now the feeling of wanting to be thin is taking over my head it's like I have to remember that a) Diets don't work B) I need to be happy with myself. God I feel like the group session couldnt come round quick enough...I need to start CBT soon because I feel like I'm in limbo, like I cant diet or exercise but I cant binge and I cant ever remember an inbetween so its like ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! Today I definitely have semi binged. I havent been sick, well apart from the reflux that I have managed to give myself (From all the vomiting i now just puke in my mouth as a reaction after dinner, which is lovely, but hey this is a blog about eating disorders not Cupcakes and roses) Im writing all this about vomiting and what this illness does to me and still wanting to diet tomorrow...I dont get it?!?
Im going. Sorry I am forcing myself to blog. I dont want to but I know I need to write this down. Today is a denial day so im kind of suprised I even wrote this much. Not spell checking either.
