I followed myself....

Looks like a poetic title doesnt it? Its not I literally followed my own blog - That is Ridiculous but at least I feel like I'm writing to someone, and actually I am probably the most important person to speak to! Ok, so how am I feeling...Well, not great. I mean this week has been a bit tricky, I am really trying to deal with this but it seems that the deeper I swim into my recovery the more I realise that actually, I am further away than I thought from recovering. When that switch is made, It's just so powerful It's like you're switching to someone else so it's really hard to hold onto the thought that 'I'm not fat and its better to be this than bulimic' when actually it's like being a different person. You are in a complete different mindset. today I really battled with wanting to diet. It was actually watching Beyonce's concert just made me want to be slim, be that amazing figure. I FEEL fat today, I feel like i can feel my tummy and i keep feeling my fat. Not gonna help I know...But I feel the need to diet its like a competition with myself, like a challenge, and right now the feeling of wanting to be thin is taking over my head it's like I have to remember that a) Diets don't work B) I need to be happy with myself. God I feel like the group session couldnt come round quick enough...I need to start CBT soon because I feel like I'm in limbo, like I cant diet or exercise but I cant binge and I cant ever remember an inbetween so its like ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! Today I definitely have semi binged. I havent been sick, well apart from the reflux that I have managed to give myself (From all the vomiting i now just puke in my mouth as a reaction after dinner, which is lovely, but hey this is a blog about eating disorders not Cupcakes and roses) Im writing all this about vomiting and what this illness does to me and still wanting to diet tomorrow...I dont get it?!?

Im going. Sorry I am forcing myself to blog. I dont want to but I know I need to write this down. Today is a denial day so im kind of suprised I even wrote this much. Not spell checking either.

The first few steps....

Having been to the clinic I have received my formal diagnosis of bulimia nervosa. Instead of feeling shocked and worried, I weirdly just felt relief. I know I am supposed to be at the clinic but each time I have gone there I have this odd feeling of just well panic - Its weird. I just think 's**t, s**t, s**t what am i doing here, this is ridiculous' Even though I know deep down it's right. I felt so nervous in the waiting area, the receptionist offered the lady before me a drink and not me, It's fine I didn't want one but I actually thought 'they've obviously all talked about me, THE girl that claims to have an eating disorder, but is just a fatty that can't diet' Yes, that actually went through my head...I am tapped. Anyway, I had to fill out this form asking me how many times in the past four weeks I have made myself sick, how many times I have exercised, do I 'pinch' my skin, how long do I spend in front of the mirror, do thoughts of image and diet occupy my time and interfere with work etc - took me forever to fill out. But I found something weird, that I couldn't think how many times I had physically done things, I had to really, really think about it, but all the questions to do with how I viewed myself I could answer straight away. strange. So anyway, I filled out the form and waited to see my clinician (who, by the way is just so lovely)I literally spilled my guts out. Was honest and frank, as was he. I wish I could go into detail but I honestly don't remember much from it. This whole thing is a bit of a blur. I just remember the diagnosis and how I can help myself whilst he sorts out my referrel to whomever he and his colleagues deem suitable...I now am going to write a diary as much as I can to document this recovery process. Im sure it will help me. I really feel positive about all of this. I also found that having the formal diagnosis and giving it a name makes it easier to tell other people. although I find it hard to physically say 'I have bulimia' So I left the clinic armed with a few tips on how to start recovery. These were..... 1. DITCH THE DIET. Yup, no more 'low fat' anything... 2. No 'pinching' or 'grabbing' my skin. 4. No analysing my body. 5. Eat breakfast, mid morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, bedtime snack.nothing in-between. 6. No asking questions to my friends and family, e.g. Am I like her? Do I look fat? what size do I look? I think there were more but I dont remember right now. these are the ones Im gonna try and deal with now anyway. Heres to a new me...cross eveything for me :) X

My Dear friend....

There's someone really important in my life that just doesnt understand me. At all.

I am trying so, so, hard to tell her how I am feeling. This morning will be the third time I have tried to tell her stuff - She does NOT get it.

So, I went to a group for the first time on Tuesday evening which was really, really, hard because I really do break the steriotype for a female with an eating disorder so I felt like I didnt really belong there but when I realised I had the same thoughts as other girls that wernt my size I realised I do have and issue and any thought telling me I dont belong there is, In actual fact the eating disorder talking. Not me.

So I also got a book that is a recovery book so i thought I'll try and read and follow this just until I see the clinic on Tuesday because well, It has to be better than following a diet.

This person just doesnt understand, I explain to her, I feel bad this morning because I'm not dieting but so far havent binged or purged but the scales said I was half a stone heavier today? This worries me? Then we start talking about it. She says there's nothing really wrong with dieting. And then starts bringing up the food we ate at the weekend as a family and that it was too much, saturday night ate chinese. Sunday - ate roast dinner AND a big breakfast. Like, maybe we did but I have just realised this week, THIS WEEK, that i am builimic. But, I just don't think its a big deal to her. To be honest I think If i turned around and said 'I was over reacting, Ill just eat healthily and run and it'll drop off and ill be happy' I genuinely think she would be ok with that. But i have so much respect for her, I can't shout what I want to shout. I just sit there and dont say anything but what Id like to say is....

'I have just found out I have Bulimia. I vomit my food up a LOT I actually vommited some of that chinese you're talking about on the weekend so phew, good job because as you just pointed out i shouldnt have consumed it. Also, I dont want to know about the weather girl being slimmer than she usually is, and the fact that because the camera puts on 10lbs means she really has lost a lot of weight, I know I usually would talk about that and maybe it is normal to talk about that, but something happened this week. Do you remember? Yeah? maybe we shouldnt talk about weight then...

I dont like the idea of not being able to speak to this person about it but I dont think I can becasue It's damaging to my recovery.

I want to talk to her - I just can't.

X X X

Another FAIL

Ok well I dont want to give my whole background because it's boring and I cant be bothered to write about it in all honesty...So I shall briefly update you so you know what I'm going on about....

Ok Im 26, I have an eating disorder. I have been regurgitating my food for a while now but weirdly I didnt see it as a problem, heres the weird thing, All people with an eating disorder are really skinny right? WRONG. I am not skinny, If anything I am slightly overweight, VOMMITING YOUR FOOD DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT!!! But this is my battle, In this day and age it's ok to be on a diet, its ok to exercise EVERY night, So because I'm not 4 stone I slip through the net, I can eat one cracker a day and its ok cuz I am a few lbs overweight. Anyway basically I am in a cycle.

I diet. I eat. I binge. I purge. I fail. I diet. I eat. I binge. I purge. I fail. I diet. I eat.....

That's my life. I am stuck in this mental hell. It consumes my every thought. Everything I do revolves around my weight, what I look like, how other people percieve me. In fact I justify my thoughts and how I should be by what other people think.

So I wanted to just write down how I feel, you could call it a diary but I think it's more of a 'vent'. because Its really, really, really hard to talk about this to other people, and even harder for them to understand.


XXX