My Dear friend....

There's someone really important in my life that just doesnt understand me. At all.

I am trying so, so, hard to tell her how I am feeling. This morning will be the third time I have tried to tell her stuff - She does NOT get it.

So, I went to a group for the first time on Tuesday evening which was really, really, hard because I really do break the steriotype for a female with an eating disorder so I felt like I didnt really belong there but when I realised I had the same thoughts as other girls that wernt my size I realised I do have and issue and any thought telling me I dont belong there is, In actual fact the eating disorder talking. Not me.

So I also got a book that is a recovery book so i thought I'll try and read and follow this just until I see the clinic on Tuesday because well, It has to be better than following a diet.

This person just doesnt understand, I explain to her, I feel bad this morning because I'm not dieting but so far havent binged or purged but the scales said I was half a stone heavier today? This worries me? Then we start talking about it. She says there's nothing really wrong with dieting. And then starts bringing up the food we ate at the weekend as a family and that it was too much, saturday night ate chinese. Sunday - ate roast dinner AND a big breakfast. Like, maybe we did but I have just realised this week, THIS WEEK, that i am builimic. But, I just don't think its a big deal to her. To be honest I think If i turned around and said 'I was over reacting, Ill just eat healthily and run and it'll drop off and ill be happy' I genuinely think she would be ok with that. But i have so much respect for her, I can't shout what I want to shout. I just sit there and dont say anything but what Id like to say is....

'I have just found out I have Bulimia. I vomit my food up a LOT I actually vommited some of that chinese you're talking about on the weekend so phew, good job because as you just pointed out i shouldnt have consumed it. Also, I dont want to know about the weather girl being slimmer than she usually is, and the fact that because the camera puts on 10lbs means she really has lost a lot of weight, I know I usually would talk about that and maybe it is normal to talk about that, but something happened this week. Do you remember? Yeah? maybe we shouldnt talk about weight then...

I dont like the idea of not being able to speak to this person about it but I dont think I can becasue It's damaging to my recovery.

I want to talk to her - I just can't.

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