A good nights sleep....

Yesturday was a weird day. Im really trying to take action with regards to how i act around other people. I dont want to hide myslef but i need to decipher between a REAL problem and my anxiety. E.g. If my partner isnt texting me back, hes probably busy at work its not a big deal. BUT the anxiety m akes me worry endlessly as to why he doesnt want to speak to me...'did he notice those couple of pounds that went on this month?
Am i unnatractive?
Has he noticed my worrying?
Do i look needy?

He gives me no reason to think he is thinking any of the above and deep down i KNOW he isnt but the thoughts squease past my brick wall in my mind and eventually take over. leaving me angry at him and feeling sorry for myself.

So before this anxiety ruins EVERYTHING i made an effort to start the ball rolling for CBT therapy. consultation alone is £50. great. Hopefully this will pay off. I will try everything before i try medication.

I thought id get an early night 9pm but couldnt sleep until 11pm so failed there. tried to call my partner but he was at his friends house batterly failed. (as i just wrote that a horrible bout of paranoia just sweot over me...is he really at his friends house? battery died yeh good one! maybe he just didnt want to speak to me? this is all in my head he would never know i thought this)

At the omoment i have this overwhelming feeling to get away its weird. I want to be on my own. Go traveling on my own....but this is where i can laugh at the anxiety...i picture myself somewhere really scenic like the canadian mountains...then im like 'oh god cant go there bears hahahahahaha' - it would actually stop me going! ridiculous!

I live in the hope that i will get the old me back or at least reduce it to anxiety 30% real me 70%. at the moment its anxiety 70% real me 30%..I'm still here clawing my way back....lol.

ARGHHHHHHHH

OK 3rd post in one day but who cres no one is reading it so wwhatever!

at work a client came in and i asked for a drink....he said what he wanted as soon as i go to make it....S:*&t ive forgotten.....no problem ill go back up and ask him again but also ask my boss what he wants.....so i get the first guys but lose the second guys. So i guess....i got it wrong. I look so stupid....this will probably ruin my day. i will probably think about this all dayi. It will probably make me cry ttonight as when it happened i had to fight back tears. THIS HAS TO STOP.

I'm too tired for this my brain is getting pretty fatiqued.

Steps to recovery....

My plan to succes!

I have problems with my self esteem - I am about 14lbs overweight. easily hidden REALLY not a problem but would definately help me

SOLUTION - I am going to join slimming world next tuesday but start running from tonight. and go from there.

As my mind constantly races i figure that yoga/meditation would be a great way to eliviate some of the racing thoughts.

I dont like my job there are 3 tests i need to do to get my sorry arse out of this job so i will make a revision plan for that.

I need to mentally detatch myself away from my partner a little so i will not be using my phone throughout work time.

A new start

Well i guess no one will really ever read this, but i am tired of trying to talk to friends, family etc. And my diary is looking a little worse for wear. so here it is...

I have only just realised that i have anxiety. For years i thought it was just the way i am. My main problem is worrying. I worry about everything. I am constantly nervous. I am nervous about the smallest things. I trust everyone’s opinion apart from my own. I cannot make decisions for myself. I try and reach out to people but they never understand its normally 'ridiculous' or 'melodramatic'. My relationships fail because i dont have the ability to 'let people go'. i cling urghh god it sounds so horrible and i hate that i have become this person. I dont even know who i am anymore. I suffer physically from anxiety. I have terrible neck ache thats getting worse. I have bad echmza, thankfully on my arms and legs only.

I worry about what other people think. I worry im not good enough. My relationships suffer as a result. Because i have no self esteem i worry that my boyfriend will leave me. when he doesn’t call its the end of the world. You can't hide these feelings and these things are such a small deal for everyone else but a MASSIVE deal for me, so explaining them is just not even worth the hassle, which then results in me being perceived as being a moody b*&^h.

I'm 24. I guess ive lived with this since a bad break up 5 years ago. since then i havnt really had great luck with relationships ive had two terminations. Both of my best friends moved away. I have developed a driving phobia which doesnt really help me wanting to get away. I can drive around areas i know but no further. I have tried to combat this but resulted in a horrible panic attack when driving.(not a good combination) I am not by any means unsuccessful. I have a good degree and Post grad certificate. I have good friends and a great family. I have lost a LOT of weight ive gone from a size 16-18 to an 8 but am now a healthy 10. Its really sad that this has happened to me because these years i am wasting i wont get back. I don’t want to look back and regret my life. The phrase 'losing the will to live' is used loosely. It's how im feeling right now. I'm by no means suicidal I don't want to die. But im not Living.

I don't want this to beat me. I just want to be happy. So this is my record of my journey to what i hope will be happiness.