A new start

Well i guess no one will really ever read this, but i am tired of trying to talk to friends, family etc. And my diary is looking a little worse for wear. so here it is...

I have only just realised that i have anxiety. For years i thought it was just the way i am. My main problem is worrying. I worry about everything. I am constantly nervous. I am nervous about the smallest things. I trust everyone’s opinion apart from my own. I cannot make decisions for myself. I try and reach out to people but they never understand its normally 'ridiculous' or 'melodramatic'. My relationships fail because i dont have the ability to 'let people go'. i cling urghh god it sounds so horrible and i hate that i have become this person. I dont even know who i am anymore. I suffer physically from anxiety. I have terrible neck ache thats getting worse. I have bad echmza, thankfully on my arms and legs only.

I worry about what other people think. I worry im not good enough. My relationships suffer as a result. Because i have no self esteem i worry that my boyfriend will leave me. when he doesn’t call its the end of the world. You can't hide these feelings and these things are such a small deal for everyone else but a MASSIVE deal for me, so explaining them is just not even worth the hassle, which then results in me being perceived as being a moody b*&^h.

I'm 24. I guess ive lived with this since a bad break up 5 years ago. since then i havnt really had great luck with relationships ive had two terminations. Both of my best friends moved away. I have developed a driving phobia which doesnt really help me wanting to get away. I can drive around areas i know but no further. I have tried to combat this but resulted in a horrible panic attack when driving.(not a good combination) I am not by any means unsuccessful. I have a good degree and Post grad certificate. I have good friends and a great family. I have lost a LOT of weight ive gone from a size 16-18 to an 8 but am now a healthy 10. Its really sad that this has happened to me because these years i am wasting i wont get back. I don’t want to look back and regret my life. The phrase 'losing the will to live' is used loosely. It's how im feeling right now. I'm by no means suicidal I don't want to die. But im not Living.

I don't want this to beat me. I just want to be happy. So this is my record of my journey to what i hope will be happiness.