The first few steps....

Having been to the clinic I have received my formal diagnosis of bulimia nervosa. Instead of feeling shocked and worried, I weirdly just felt relief. I know I am supposed to be at the clinic but each time I have gone there I have this odd feeling of just well panic - Its weird. I just think 's**t, s**t, s**t what am i doing here, this is ridiculous' Even though I know deep down it's right. I felt so nervous in the waiting area, the receptionist offered the lady before me a drink and not me, It's fine I didn't want one but I actually thought 'they've obviously all talked about me, THE girl that claims to have an eating disorder, but is just a fatty that can't diet' Yes, that actually went through my head...I am tapped. Anyway, I had to fill out this form asking me how many times in the past four weeks I have made myself sick, how many times I have exercised, do I 'pinch' my skin, how long do I spend in front of the mirror, do thoughts of image and diet occupy my time and interfere with work etc - took me forever to fill out. But I found something weird, that I couldn't think how many times I had physically done things, I had to really, really think about it, but all the questions to do with how I viewed myself I could answer straight away. strange. So anyway, I filled out the form and waited to see my clinician (who, by the way is just so lovely)I literally spilled my guts out. Was honest and frank, as was he. I wish I could go into detail but I honestly don't remember much from it. This whole thing is a bit of a blur. I just remember the diagnosis and how I can help myself whilst he sorts out my referrel to whomever he and his colleagues deem suitable...I now am going to write a diary as much as I can to document this recovery process. Im sure it will help me. I really feel positive about all of this. I also found that having the formal diagnosis and giving it a name makes it easier to tell other people. although I find it hard to physically say 'I have bulimia' So I left the clinic armed with a few tips on how to start recovery. These were..... 1. DITCH THE DIET. Yup, no more 'low fat' anything... 2. No 'pinching' or 'grabbing' my skin. 4. No analysing my body. 5. Eat breakfast, mid morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, bedtime snack.nothing in-between. 6. No asking questions to my friends and family, e.g. Am I like her? Do I look fat? what size do I look? I think there were more but I dont remember right now. these are the ones Im gonna try and deal with now anyway. Heres to a new me...cross eveything for me :) X